I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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