he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
