dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i wish my penis had a tongue
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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