I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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