and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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