its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
