I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
