My room smells like vodka and shame
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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