Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
