my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
