Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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