im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
