I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
