The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
