At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
