i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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