Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
