'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
