and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
