just survived the first fart of the relationship.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
