last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
