So many bounce houses so little time
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
