Don't make out with my wife yet
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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