it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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