In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
