Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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