oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
