I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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