How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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