i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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