I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
