Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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