i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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