I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He did a backflip because drugs
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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