When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You were trust falling into bushes
These tits shall not be calmed
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
