What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
