guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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