broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
