no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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