The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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