If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
