I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
