do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
