the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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