This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just had sex on a roof
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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