I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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