I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
