My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
