im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
