im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
